


Something about Never

by spagetticannon



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-30
Updated: 2019-09-30
Packaged: 2020-11-08 14:01:41
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,432
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20836664
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spagetticannon/pseuds/spagetticannon
Summary: Bellamy and Clarke both deal with the aftermath of Primfaya and the idea of spending all that time apart.





	Something about Never

There is something about the word ‘never’ that didn’t sit quite right with him. The longing for the unknown, the desire of the thing that was just out of reach; teasing his fingertips. He always thought that there would be another day with her, another time, another place, an ‘always’ in itself but now, looking down at the scorched earth that he used to call his home the word ‘never’ popped into his mind.

It had not even been 3 hours before they had finally settled. As soon as the oxygen started to push its way through the pipes of the arch and the somewhat familiar humming started to fill his ears once more, all they did was sit around in disbelief. Every now and again, one of them would let out a belated laugh or suggest that they should get up and start working on the ship, but all they seemed to do was sit there, as if standing up and moving meant something profoundly great, some momentous occasion and they all didn’t know how to deal with it. As he sat there, Bellamy decided that, to him at least, moving was some impossible feet, something that he thought that he would never have to face. Moving meant leaving her behind, again, only this time it was connected more to his heart than his head. Moving meant that he would have to move on from her, the life he thought they would eventually get around too, from the idea that he never got to tell her how important she was to him.

One by one, each person got up in turn, first raven, then Monty and Harper and finally Emori and Murphy until it was on him and Echo left. He stared as the ground, engrossed in his own world, but he could see out the corner of his eye her fidgeting as if she so desperately wanted to say something but could quite find the words. Not soon after did she make a sound, much like one a baby would make when trying to speak for the first time, and at this Bellamy turned his head. He decided a long time ago that he did not care for the woman sitting beside him now. He did not hate her, lord knows he had, but after a while that hate just turn to indifference. Whether she lived or died, killed or showed mercy he didn’t really care, unless the people he loved were involved. Back at Becca’s lad, however, seeing her at the brink, placing a knife to her stomach willing to take her own life, Bellamy felt he could relate. Ending his own life had crossed his mind more than once on the ground and he would never wish that feeling of darkness and sorrow on anyone, not matter who they were. So, he stopped her, leaving them where they are now, back on the ark, in a dimly lit loading bay, looking at each other, silence surrounding them.

She went as to speak again, producing the same noise that she made only a few moments as go, but still no words came out. Slight annoyance was showing on his face, Bellamy could tell as he shook his head to her, as if asking her if she wanted to say something. They looked at each other for a few more seconds before she shook her head, stood up and took her turn to leave, leaving only Bellamy.

He sat there for hours, basking the eternal loneliness of life without her. Every breath that he took reminded him of moments that they had shared together, every ill-fated glance, or wandering touch. So much of his reason to breath, to keep fighting for peace on a planet that was plague with war, was because of her; because of Clarke. Every time his eyes drifted shut, he was greeted with the same dream, same nightmare. Of Clarke running towards him, running away from primfaya, with her arm stretched out towards him, his doing the same. Just as their fingertips were about to meet however, did he pull his hand away, leaving her to be engulfed in the flames that chased her from behind. The last thing he could hear before he woke up in a sweaty, panic like trance, was her screams, merging together with his own in reality.

He could still hear them now, looking down at his old home, in creaks of the ship, in every sound that brought some surprise with it, like it wasn’t meant to be. He took his turn to leave not long after he had woken, making his was to the window with a bottle of Vodka that he had found on wanderings through the halls. They had always talked about getting a drink together, once the world had settled in twisted peace, both of them would sit down, pour a drink, and talk about something, anything and everything. Talk about them, who they were to each other, and with each sip of that drink they would move closer to who he always wanted to be with her, how he always thought they would become; a forever.

He looked down at the drink in his hand, that idea of ‘never’ floating around in his head, when Raven walked up behind him. They stood in silence for a few moments, both looking down, thinking about what they had lost.

“You think we can do this without her?” Raven asked quietly. Emotion weighing on every word.

‘No’ was his first thought. Of course, he couldn’t do it without her, she was the reason he was able to do any of this in the first place. Bellamy always thought that he wasn’t a leader, but Clarke pushed him, inspire him to be one. He didn’t think that he could do it without her, but he knew that he had to. He knew that it would the hardest thing he would have to do, that moving on from Clarke, who they were, who they were going to be, would be near impossible but he had to do it. For her. To be the man she always thought he was, to honour her and lead with his head like she told him he had to. The last piece of advice that he every gave him and he was dam sure that he would follow it.

So, he gave Raven that answer, in some sort of way. It wasn’t a yes or a no, but an ‘I have to’.

“If we don’t, she died in vein and I’m not going to let that happen”

She looked at him for a few more seconds before placing a hand on his shoulder and walking away. She knew, in some small way, the connection that Bellamy and Clarke shared. She also knew it was as if she was looking at only a few pieces of a larger jigsaw that she would never be able to truly see. It was something just for them to see and understand and Raven thought that was truly beautiful.

Bellamy remained looking out of the window for a few moments, as if embracing his last few moments with her before he braved a life on his own, without her head to guide him. Looking down he thought about all the conversations that they never had, all the looks they would never get to share and the touches he would never get the experience. He reached for the window and placed his palm to the glass as of trying to reach out to her.

“I’m so sorry Clarke” he whispered in a shaky breath.

With that, he took his hand away from the glass, whipped away the tears that had been falling down his cheeks and turned in the direction of the group. Walking through the empty halls of the ark, he though again to the word ‘Never’ and how, through some fault of his own, it had become their always.

* * *

Clarke, once again, woke up in a sweaty panic, forgetting the destructions of Primfaya if only for a second. She lay on a sofa in a room looking over the whole of Becca’s lab. The glass walls, although incredible thin, gave her some comfort; another layer to protect her.

She swung her legs over the side of the sofa and placed her feet firmly on the floor, pushing down hard as if to remind her that this is reality and not some horrific dream that she had just woke from. Although the more she thought about it this, being isolated on a planet seemed to be the worse dream imaginable.

She looked around the room. In everything she saw him. The books on the shelf that he read through in some hope to find a solution to their inevitable problem. In the couch that she was sitting on. She traced her fingers along the fabric thinking back to the time when he was talking to Octavia on the radio, a smile plastered on his face as he finally reconciled with his sister. Before it cut off, before he told her that she wouldn’t be able to say goodbye to her mother, before he held her in his arms as she cried into his chest. That feeling of safety and warmth, she knew, she would only ever feel with him, in his arms. She held on to him so tight and now, sitting alone on a simmering planet, she was so glad she did. For all she knew he was dead, she would never seem him again, that that was the last time would be held in his arms, the last time she would feel safe.

She pushed that thought out to dark part of her mind, pushed it down in hopes the it would never resurface. She knew that this was inevitable however, Clarke was alone now, no one to entertain her but the thoughts that plagued her mind and it wouldn’t be long before they came out to play.

The radio was still where he left it what felt like a lifetime ago. The microphone laid asininely to the left of it, like it was simply taking a nap and soon it would wake up and return to its duty. Clarke wanted nothing more than to reach out and grab it, talk to it, hoping desperately that he was on the other side. That, like always, he would be with her, helping her through the tough choices; helping her to live. Her hand danced over it for a moment, as if believed the lies that she tells herself in her mind, until she clenches a fist and pulled away.

She walked out of her glass shelter, down the steps and towards the computers, looking at the data from outside, hoping that soon she would be able to leave and head towards the bunker. To her right, was where the rocket used to live. Tapping her finger on the table, she gave it a quick glance before looking back the computer, but not really looking at it at all. Then she gave another and another until before she knew it she was stood right in front of it, like it was some magnet drawing her closer. She though back to that day and tears started to fill her vison. If only she had been faster, if only she didn’t have to climb that tower, she would be up there with them now, with him.

She was so proud of him though. With each aching beat of her heart, she was proud. He did as she asked, he thought with his head. She can imagine him now, leading them as they always had together and although she hoped that he knew that it was the right thing, leaving her, she knew him better. She knew Bellamy Blake like she knew her own name. She knew that he would feel the guilt that came with her ‘death’. Bellamy’s emotions held a big part of who he was, and Clarke feared his grief, his guilt, would consume him.

As her mind wandered to the pain that Bellamy would feel, her own guilt set in. She saved them all but in doing so, she feared, she had killed something else. A small part of her that lived within him, just like a small part of him lived in her. Every decision she made, she always thought of him and what he would do. As she fell deeper into her thoughts, her breath started to get hard to catch. The panic overwhelmed her suddenly. The thought of doing this, doing any of it, without him tangled her deeper inside her anxiety. It felt impossible to escape.

She grabbed at the air, trying to get a hold of anything to distract her from her failure to catch breath. Bellamy was all her mind could focus on. His voice, his hair, his touch and with each memory of him, each glance they shared, each conversation and each lingering touch did her breathing start to steady itself although still out of control. The image of their last hug pushed its was forward. The smells of his skin, the gentle stroke of his hand to her neck and the radio.

Before she knew what, she was doing, her body was moving back up the stair, towards the room that she and just left, and towards the radio. As she entered, she tripped on something that seemed not the be there as all, like she fell on air itself. She pulled herself along the door, until the back was resting on the couch, the table holding the radio to her left. She hadn’t noticed it, but at some point, since she had left, tears had started to fall down her cheeks and now she knew it was as if flood gates had been opened. Sobs escaped her lips. Clarke rarely cried, and only when she did was her there to comfort her and so she picked up the radio from his slumber and put it to her mouth, now know exactly what to say.

“Bellamy” she spoke softly in-between the sobs “If you can hear me, I’m so sorry”

At this, exhaustion had taken over. It was as if someone had simply turned off the lights. He body became limp leaving the radio to fall to the floor along with her hand. Her eyes drifted shut and just before she was taken away to another fear riddled dream did, she mutter something else; Something only for him.

“I need you”.


End file.
